Waking up...I was well and somewhat rested relatively speaking although I definitely do not sleep enough during workdays when I come to the office.
Then I put on the blue gym shorts and I felt that my obliques flab felt more apparent and protruding at the sides...although I might be exaggerating in my head.
In any case, I began to worry that I felt thicker or bigger, that I'm losing the 'control' or edge...since normally in the morning I am my leanest and lightest. Or at least that's what I feel and think.
But it was fine and onwards.
"I'm afraid I'm going to downward spiral into weight gain, my body feels somewhat thicker."
Maybe my legs/thighs around the quads have thickened a bit...muscle and then fat too, of course, because they are usually connected and combined.
Then I went to on the usual morning walk, then the gym...
Now as I write this, fast-forward a few hours from 9:30am to the current 5:10pm...and I have not felt comfortable in my body at all.
My thoughts circle back to trying, efforting and struggling to maintain some semblance of very skinny and lean body and, hopefully, in the near future, to having a visibly leaner, bonier, defined face.
Working in the office, I reckon, entails a degree of more sedentary behavior as one can't necessarily move around all the time or remain physically active. And even so, I do move around plenty by going on intermittent walks to the point where I wonder if others think it's too much time away from my desk and whether I am being productive and actually working.
I think this was one of the complaints of a former boss: "I can't find you anywhere," he would remark.
In any case, my work is a blessing and I have to appreciate, realize and accept that no matter where I work it will probably need to be stationary or sedentary to a degree because it is likely going to be office work, administrative and thus based around typing and computer work which requires being focused and concentrated in 1 spot for some extended periods of time (at least 15min, 30+mins, or sometimes more if you're in a committee meeting or other).
I tightened my jeans at the waist with the aim of keeping myself "in" and as tight as possible so there is no ease in adding food to the belly and thus distension.
But distension inevitably comes when I do eat and have dinner for sure. It's normal and natural human physiology after all but I always feel the discomfort strongly, especially since I consume primarily fruits and some cooked/raw vegetables which will produce more gas and expansion in the digestive tract.
These pas few days have been struggling with gas and discomfort at night after dinner. I think it's probably the sub-optimal food combinations (higher fasts + fruits + some starch = BOMBO COMBO i.e. Not Good).
I feel increasingly dissatisfied by my whole, natural foods diet (mainly high raw vegan but not really since I 'cheat' and veer off track so often). Once I caved in to the animal proteins and processed starchier items like granola cookies and even plain cereal my brain, microbiome and taste preferences have never been the same. I just cannot forget, nor do I seem to want to, the delicious taste and feeling of consuming more calorific and highly-palatable, processed foods.
The only thing that keeps me moderately "under control" is the fear and anxiety of potential weight gain.
The number on the scale going Up, and UP, and UP! Gosh, that strikes the fear in me and derails my feelings for the rest of the day and possibly week if I cannot course-correct swiftly and definitively.
The good thing is that I still do enjoy and appreciate all the natural, whole, raw foods BUT I ALSO like and appreciate the non-whole foods, chemicals, additives, fillers, emulsifiers and all.
As disgusting and horrid that seems to me, it is so... for now anyways.
My brain and sensorial faculties have been hijacked at this time.
But how and what else to eat? Chicken, shrimp, seafood, meat??? It doesn't necessarily feel better and these animal protein foods are also very inflammatory, higher in fat and can be cumbersome and difficult on my digestion.
