Scared of Weight Gain; Processed Food is Delicious but it Hijacked my Brain 🧠 - From Sep. 15, 2022 to Now: Jan 02, 2024

 Waking up...I was well and somewhat rested relatively speaking although I definitely do not sleep enough during workdays when I come to the office. 
Then I put on the blue gym shorts and I felt that my obliques flab felt more apparent and protruding at the sides...although I might be exaggerating in my head. 

In any case, I began to worry that I felt thicker or bigger, that I'm losing the 'control' or edge...since normally in the morning I am my leanest and lightest. Or at least that's what I feel and think. 

But it was fine and onwards. 

"I'm afraid I'm going to downward spiral into weight gain, my body feels somewhat thicker."

Have you ever had these thoughts?

Maybe my legs/thighs around the quads have thickened a bit...muscle and then fat too, of course, because they are usually connected and combined. 

Then I went to on the usual morning walk, then the gym...

Now as I write this, fast-forward a few hours from 9:30am to the current 5:10pm...and I have not felt comfortable in my body at all.

My thoughts circle back to trying, efforting and struggling to maintain some semblance of very skinny and lean body and, hopefully, in the near future, to having a visibly leaner, bonier, defined face.

Working in the office, I reckon, entails a degree of more sedentary behavior as one can't necessarily move around all the time or remain physically active. And even so, I do move around plenty by going on intermittent walks to the point where I wonder if others think it's too much time away from my desk and whether I am being productive and actually working.

I think this was one of the complaints of a former boss: "I can't find you anywhere," he would remark. 

In any case, my work is a blessing and I have to appreciate, realize and accept that no matter where I work it will probably need to be stationary or sedentary to a degree because it is likely going to be office work, administrative and thus based around typing and computer work which requires being focused and concentrated in 1 spot for some extended periods of time (at least 15min, 30+mins, or sometimes more if you're in a committee meeting or other). 

I tightened my jeans at the waist with the aim of keeping myself "in" and as tight as possible so there is no ease in adding food to the belly and thus distension.

But distension inevitably comes when I do eat and have dinner for sure. It's normal and natural human physiology after all but I always feel the discomfort strongly, especially since I consume primarily fruits and some cooked/raw vegetables which will produce more gas and expansion in the digestive tract. 

These pas few days have been struggling with gas and discomfort at night after dinner. I think it's probably the sub-optimal food combinations (higher fasts + fruits + some starch = BOMBO COMBO i.e. Not Good).

I feel increasingly dissatisfied by my whole, natural foods diet (mainly high raw vegan but not really since I 'cheat' and veer off track so often). Once I caved in to the animal proteins and processed starchier items like granola cookies and even plain cereal my brain, microbiome and taste preferences have never been the same. I just cannot forget, nor do I seem to want to, the delicious taste and feeling of consuming more calorific and highly-palatable, processed foods. 

The only thing that keeps me moderately "under control" is the fear and anxiety of potential weight gain. 

The number on the scale going Up, and UP, and UP! Gosh, that strikes the fear in me and derails my feelings for the rest of the day and possibly week if I cannot course-correct swiftly and definitively. 

The good thing is that I still do enjoy and appreciate all the natural, whole, raw foods BUT I ALSO like and appreciate the non-whole foods, chemicals, additives, fillers, emulsifiers and all.

As disgusting and horrid that seems to me, it is so... for now anyways.

My brain and sensorial faculties have been hijacked at this time.

But how and what else to eat? Chicken, shrimp, seafood, meat??? It doesn't necessarily feel better and these animal protein foods are also very inflammatory, higher in fat and can be cumbersome and difficult on my digestion. 

Eating Too Much Melon? Freaking out about Calories (1 Sept '22)

Hello World, 
It's me again... and journaling my thoughts.

The First Meal:

Today at breakfast/lunch (3:45pm) I had bigger amount of melon than what I usually have. Usually I've eat about 300-500g of melon, and that, along perhaps with something else, keeps me fine till I reach home and have dinner at 7pm or ideally I'd have dinner earlier at 6:30pm. 

However, today I pushed myself (for some reason) to finish the melon that I brought from home bc it was already about 5 days since I'd bought it and cut into it, and the longer it sits in the fridge the more mold and decomposed it gets. Hence, I decided "Just do it" and actually it was a very good, delicious, hydrating melon.

Only melon. 

However when I finished what I'd brought, approximately 700grams eaten, I felt bad bc the calories then ingested were more than usual AND I then had the anxious thought:

"I overate and now my lower abs will push out and I'll be a bit more bloated." Ugh. The despised bloat lol. 

However, that was my own exaggeration and assumption and 'jumping ahead to worst case scenario".

I promptly went about my moment, the afternoon, and rinsed my teeth, and then a postprandial walk. It was a good and energized walk for sure although I felt tired nevertheless. 

So thus far today I've eaten or taken in: CJ (60 cals) + decaf coffee w.Oat milk (20 cals) + Melon, 250cals maybe. So total about 350 cals according to MFP. I've been tracking and logging my food for as long as MyFitnessPal has existed, since my college days and I actually started tracking calories and educating myself about the caloric/energy content of different foods when I was 16 yr old. I still remember my first traditional food scale (before the advent of the handy digital kitchen machines) and I weighed 1 portion of mozzarella cheese which was, according to the package, 1 sq inch. Turns out that after weighing and measuring it w/a ruler it was a tiny portion compared to what I normally ate and actually enjoyed. 

And so it happened that I began tracking calories, weighing out the different foods and learning about their caloric values, and keeping a notepad with the daily food record, just for myself. 

Fast-forward to now, 19 years later and I still track what I eat every day although not perfectly and completely bc I sometimes omit some things, or I record an amount/quantity that was actually higher that what I log just because I don't want to feel anxious about the higher calories overall that I would have eaten in the day due to the higher amount of foods. Essentially it is just a superficial effort to fool and quell the anxious thoughts that eventually emerge:

"Oh gosh, I've overeaten today... :-(" or,

"I might begin to gain weight if I keep this up" or,

"Damnit, what can't I keep this caloric intake under control to 1200kcal max?" Etc.

Freedom from anxiety about my imperfect soft body. 

 
What I'd Like:...

Peace with food. Peace with my body...Accepting my body as a fine and perfect, 'done' body that is lean enough, thin enough, and which will not gain weight ever. 

However, I am not really there yet today and truth is that there is absolutely no guarantee that no one will ever not gain weight because it is super easy to happen and actually that is evolutionary and biological tendency and predisposition of the body/brain. The brain/body does not like restriction or food deprivation and hunger, and weight loss...and it will fight back to avoid intentional weight loss and make it easier to continue gaining over time. 

What Else I Would Like: 

 

Reach a point where I'm eating precisely 1200kcal daily and feel fine with that. 

Eat a totally vegan high raw food diet and be happy, content and satisfied with that.

No cravings for animal protein...

Not comparing myself to other women's bodies who I deem to possibly be leaner or "skinnier" than me. It's all so superficial...but alas, it's where my mind goes more often than not these days. 

There are a couple more things I'd 'Like" however will leave like this for now. 

It is said "Ask and ye shall receive".

So how else should I be asking - and from whom? Exhortations to the Universe, to God, to my Guardian Angels, to my Inner Being, to my Higher Self...to Life. 

We all know the age-old maxim: 

Be careful what you wish for... You just may get it.

However, this previous quote is rather somber so I do prefer a kinder, more loving and harmonious tone and approach to this. I feel that the key, crucial advice is:

 Ask God for the Wisdom to know what to do,

how to ask, 

and what to ask for.

And, God, please help me to help myself.