Hello dears,
It's been a long while since I came to this site and these pages and decided to write.
Or thought that I had something to share and journal.
Actually, that is why and what I am doing now, here. I am journaling because I've recently heard others mention the word or suggestion to 'journal' and 'journaling your thoughts' or 'journaling your reaction and feelings after x situation'.
I've recently been wracked or afflicted with negative, stinkin', poopy-pants thinking. Fears, self-doubts, stupid, recurrent insecurities.
Comparing my body to other women on IG and real life who have beautiful, flat, firm abs; or who seem to be doing more, being more actively creative and sharing their content.
I'm also frightened when I hear those inspirational talks or YouTube videos that mention repeatedly "living your purpose", "pursuing your passion", being your fullest self, helping others, etc. etc.
It's a lot these days for me to take.
I'm just over here, in Dubai, by myself, doing my darnedest to take care of my health, finances, house, work performance and fitness. And Sleep! Sleep is crucial.
Where do I fit in my 'passion'? It seems that with time I do enjoy it still (the sharing videos and my information) however it also takes time and energy.
Am I energy-depleted?
These types of questions evoke subsequent insecurities like:
- Am I eating enough? I am for my body without stuffing myself to the gills. I also am content with my current weight. And while I'd love to have even more defined, buffer, leaner, more pronounced, stronger muscles...I also don't want the parallel and ensuing fat mass gain it entails.
- Is something wrong with me?
- Am I doing something wrong?
- What do I have to do to change my course and really feel like I am fulfilling my true life purpose, expressing my passion daily and living daily with joy, peace, satisfaction and in alignment with Source Energy, divine Providence, infinite Intelligence, all labels for the same - for God.
As a young teenager and throughout my early 20s I emphasized, adopted and embraced the concept of 'virtue in suffering' and 'no gain without pain' and that you have to prove your worth.
And that you don't need so much sleep, you need to suffer and bear with the discomfort, wake up early at 5AM or 4AM in university and keep charging ahead.
There is some vigor and energy to that mindset and the lifestyle and movement patterns it embodies.
However also tiring, depleting and I was running entirely on adrenaline and TOO MUCH CAFFEINE. Lol. Back in the day I used to wake up to brew a pot of flavored coffees. I see now that I drank up to 2-3 cups of coffee every day of my life from 17yrs-25 - almost 8 years overall. Perhaps it was all too much.
Fast-Forward to the present day, July 2nd, 2020 and I am currently on Zero Caffeine and it's been a total of about 45 days or so. It's been fine actually and the most interesting is that I have not missed the green or black teas. I was off coffee anyway for the past 2 years, with perhaps 1-2 cups per month, 24 cups/year. In estimation...
However, no caffeinated coffee since March to July 2020 --> 4 months. I don't miss it, and the only time I think of it is when I see the barista from across my balcony delivering some coffee to a resident in the living complex.
Anyway, the point is that I have changed and evolved a lot over the years and that is perhaps the most natural thing and way of a human in development year on year.
It's been a long while since I came to this site and these pages and decided to write.
Or thought that I had something to share and journal.
Actually, that is why and what I am doing now, here. I am journaling because I've recently heard others mention the word or suggestion to 'journal' and 'journaling your thoughts' or 'journaling your reaction and feelings after x situation'.
I've recently been wracked or afflicted with negative, stinkin', poopy-pants thinking. Fears, self-doubts, stupid, recurrent insecurities.
Comparing my body to other women on IG and real life who have beautiful, flat, firm abs; or who seem to be doing more, being more actively creative and sharing their content.
I'm also frightened when I hear those inspirational talks or YouTube videos that mention repeatedly "living your purpose", "pursuing your passion", being your fullest self, helping others, etc. etc.
It's a lot these days for me to take.
I'm just over here, in Dubai, by myself, doing my darnedest to take care of my health, finances, house, work performance and fitness. And Sleep! Sleep is crucial.
Where do I fit in my 'passion'? It seems that with time I do enjoy it still (the sharing videos and my information) however it also takes time and energy.
Am I energy-depleted?
These types of questions evoke subsequent insecurities like:
- Am I eating enough? I am for my body without stuffing myself to the gills. I also am content with my current weight. And while I'd love to have even more defined, buffer, leaner, more pronounced, stronger muscles...I also don't want the parallel and ensuing fat mass gain it entails.
- Is something wrong with me?
- Am I doing something wrong?
- What do I have to do to change my course and really feel like I am fulfilling my true life purpose, expressing my passion daily and living daily with joy, peace, satisfaction and in alignment with Source Energy, divine Providence, infinite Intelligence, all labels for the same - for God.
As a young teenager and throughout my early 20s I emphasized, adopted and embraced the concept of 'virtue in suffering' and 'no gain without pain' and that you have to prove your worth.
And that you don't need so much sleep, you need to suffer and bear with the discomfort, wake up early at 5AM or 4AM in university and keep charging ahead.
There is some vigor and energy to that mindset and the lifestyle and movement patterns it embodies.
However also tiring, depleting and I was running entirely on adrenaline and TOO MUCH CAFFEINE. Lol. Back in the day I used to wake up to brew a pot of flavored coffees. I see now that I drank up to 2-3 cups of coffee every day of my life from 17yrs-25 - almost 8 years overall. Perhaps it was all too much.
Fast-Forward to the present day, July 2nd, 2020 and I am currently on Zero Caffeine and it's been a total of about 45 days or so. It's been fine actually and the most interesting is that I have not missed the green or black teas. I was off coffee anyway for the past 2 years, with perhaps 1-2 cups per month, 24 cups/year. In estimation...
However, no caffeinated coffee since March to July 2020 --> 4 months. I don't miss it, and the only time I think of it is when I see the barista from across my balcony delivering some coffee to a resident in the living complex.
Anyway, the point is that I have changed and evolved a lot over the years and that is perhaps the most natural thing and way of a human in development year on year.
Back to my Insecurities:
One of the most recurrent thoughts that I receive or hear and notice in my head:
- I just want to be loved.
- I want to be approved of and validated.
- I want to be beautiful.
- I want to be loved.
And, so, if I don't judge or criticize my own mind and its creations, by whom or by what do I want to be loved?
I want my boss's approval but that is a slippery slope and his job is not to love me so I do not, cannot, expect that from him. And yet, I want to make him and others happy.
There is this tendency to want to please others, and for others to like me.
But it's no one's job or responsibility or duty to like me, or anyone for that matter. Each person is entitled to their free will, preferences, choices and behavior and no one else (not me) affects that.
Yet, my inner working try to influence others' opinions so that they see me in the most favorable light and so that I am nice, and friendly and helpful, courteous, pleasing, ...etc.
I am naturally a pleasant and nice person but I've come to learn that I am not always in that 'mood' or frame of mind. Sometimes I am tired, or absorbed in my own thoughts, or I just don't care if that person likes me or not...
Nevertheless, I always strive for the most positive and uplifting exchange possible with everyone else. ANd if the other party is not up for it, then I just don't pay attention to them and keep to myself.
So what is the purpose of this Journal Entry?
I suppose that the most important element of what I have written above is that I always hear that thought in my head: "I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED".
Then it leads to thought: "I miss my family and their support."
And they do love me deeply, immensely and powerfully.
I get sensitive and feel teary-eyed just thinking these thoughts. They do love me, of course, they are just very far away physically.
But the love is definitely, totally, absolutely present. Amen.
And so, how can I evolve, learn, grow and transcend this recurrent thought: "I just want to be loved, adored, approved of" ?
Also important to note is that God loves me - and God is with me and within me. God is Abraham, Source Energy, Infinite Intelligence, Divine Providence, Faith, Wellbeing, Love.
I would like that and this to be enough. I don't need more, and really I do not need more and could not have more than the Creator itself - Life Force and God - to love me infinitely and endlessly. I just need to feel it more.
So I now open myself to that and make myself totally receptive and sensitive to you, dear God, to your love and adoration. Thank you for it.
Now the good, positive thoughts! Turn the stinky thinky to something Bright & Light:
- I am/ You are doing better than you think and better than you realize.
- All is well.
- Things are always working out for you.
- I am in the right place at the right time doing my right work.
- You are stronger and smarter than you realize.
- You are doing enough
- You are enough
- You are exactly where you're supposed to/meant to be.
- Life loves and supports you in myriad ways.
- I am loved - I have a loving family, my friends love me. I can love me.
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