Eating Too Much Melon? Freaking out about Calories (1 Sept '22)

Hello World, 
It's me again... and journaling my thoughts.

The First Meal:

Today at breakfast/lunch (3:45pm) I had bigger amount of melon than what I usually have. Usually I've eat about 300-500g of melon, and that, along perhaps with something else, keeps me fine till I reach home and have dinner at 7pm or ideally I'd have dinner earlier at 6:30pm. 

However, today I pushed myself (for some reason) to finish the melon that I brought from home bc it was already about 5 days since I'd bought it and cut into it, and the longer it sits in the fridge the more mold and decomposed it gets. Hence, I decided "Just do it" and actually it was a very good, delicious, hydrating melon.

Only melon. 

However when I finished what I'd brought, approximately 700grams eaten, I felt bad bc the calories then ingested were more than usual AND I then had the anxious thought:

"I overate and now my lower abs will push out and I'll be a bit more bloated." Ugh. The despised bloat lol. 

However, that was my own exaggeration and assumption and 'jumping ahead to worst case scenario".

I promptly went about my moment, the afternoon, and rinsed my teeth, and then a postprandial walk. It was a good and energized walk for sure although I felt tired nevertheless. 

So thus far today I've eaten or taken in: CJ (60 cals) + decaf coffee w.Oat milk (20 cals) + Melon, 250cals maybe. So total about 350 cals according to MFP. I've been tracking and logging my food for as long as MyFitnessPal has existed, since my college days and I actually started tracking calories and educating myself about the caloric/energy content of different foods when I was 16 yr old. I still remember my first traditional food scale (before the advent of the handy digital kitchen machines) and I weighed 1 portion of mozzarella cheese which was, according to the package, 1 sq inch. Turns out that after weighing and measuring it w/a ruler it was a tiny portion compared to what I normally ate and actually enjoyed. 

And so it happened that I began tracking calories, weighing out the different foods and learning about their caloric values, and keeping a notepad with the daily food record, just for myself. 

Fast-forward to now, 19 years later and I still track what I eat every day although not perfectly and completely bc I sometimes omit some things, or I record an amount/quantity that was actually higher that what I log just because I don't want to feel anxious about the higher calories overall that I would have eaten in the day due to the higher amount of foods. Essentially it is just a superficial effort to fool and quell the anxious thoughts that eventually emerge:

"Oh gosh, I've overeaten today... :-(" or,

"I might begin to gain weight if I keep this up" or,

"Damnit, what can't I keep this caloric intake under control to 1200kcal max?" Etc.

Freedom from anxiety about my imperfect soft body. 

 
What I'd Like:...

Peace with food. Peace with my body...Accepting my body as a fine and perfect, 'done' body that is lean enough, thin enough, and which will not gain weight ever. 

However, I am not really there yet today and truth is that there is absolutely no guarantee that no one will ever not gain weight because it is super easy to happen and actually that is evolutionary and biological tendency and predisposition of the body/brain. The brain/body does not like restriction or food deprivation and hunger, and weight loss...and it will fight back to avoid intentional weight loss and make it easier to continue gaining over time. 

What Else I Would Like: 

 

Reach a point where I'm eating precisely 1200kcal daily and feel fine with that. 

Eat a totally vegan high raw food diet and be happy, content and satisfied with that.

No cravings for animal protein...

Not comparing myself to other women's bodies who I deem to possibly be leaner or "skinnier" than me. It's all so superficial...but alas, it's where my mind goes more often than not these days. 

There are a couple more things I'd 'Like" however will leave like this for now. 

It is said "Ask and ye shall receive".

So how else should I be asking - and from whom? Exhortations to the Universe, to God, to my Guardian Angels, to my Inner Being, to my Higher Self...to Life. 

We all know the age-old maxim: 

Be careful what you wish for... You just may get it.

However, this previous quote is rather somber so I do prefer a kinder, more loving and harmonious tone and approach to this. I feel that the key, crucial advice is:

 Ask God for the Wisdom to know what to do,

how to ask, 

and what to ask for.

And, God, please help me to help myself.