I had huge realization today. An "aha" moment of sorts.
Sometimes some people get into certain relationships that are fundamentally unhealthy, unstable and insecure. They try and stick it out, sometimes lasting through children and marriage, or not, despite the gnawing sensation in their soul that it really shouldn't be this way; that the relationship really didn't go down the happy way - that deep down, something is "off". We choose to ignore that voice, however, because of a diehard attitude to keep going, to work hard, to make it work and persevere.
Where we get this mindset? Well, it usually comes from early life experiences and parental dynamics. Whole other topic.
Back to the relationship itself:
An insecure person with low-self esteem can end up matching themselves with someone who is equally unstable and insecure (albeit in a different manifestation) which makes them feel comfortable, safe, and less inadequate because they have a familiar reflection of themselves in the other.
In what way?
Well, choosing someone else who is actually deep-down insecure in some respect, unstable and needing help allows the partner who is the helper (usually low self-esteem person) to step in and be 'useful', helpful and needed in someone's life.
They think subconsciously, "He needs me and thus I feel useful..."
It starts with an inner feeling of not being enough, needing to please others and even that enigmatic low self esteem.
This can lead the person to link with another who needs to be helped somehow. Perhaps they don't have body image issues but they do have financial constraints, family problems or work difficulties.
As they connect they each fulfill each others needs: One person is needing some type of support and the other is wanting to provide it. They are both insecure in some respect. In providing a support that only they can offer, they immediately feel there is a unique bonding and connection. Usually the other party will place themselves first and you come second, as you have already an unspoken agreement that they need more 'help' and that you are the provider/helper in the relationship.
Once upon a time, we were together to cover up each other's inadequacies, insecurities and dependencies.
I was with someone whom I chose out of feeling inferior, low in self-love, not loving or appreciating my body...Feeling like I had to please to be loved, that I had to prove myself and be useful in order to be loved by a handsome man.
If we are with someone who is not fully living their greatest self and banging abound in instability and uncertainty it makes us (the also insecure, low self esteem person who needs to gratify) feel 'safer' from criticism because someone who is 'less' than us cannot eventually judge or criticize us. After all, they are a relfection of what we feel inside about ourselves. A facade of strength and beauty with a weak core of uncertainty, confusion and chaos.
Instead of treating myself like a QUEEN, I was treating myself like the help - a Servant to my King.
What a bizarre self-initiated, self-imposed, self-inflicted dynamic.
A man who is lagging and weak here or there in some respects?
No, I have my answer already:
He is the man who is fully present, complete and totally with it. He is with me and for me, by my side no matter what. He doesn't need to ask me for any favors - he takes care of his own self, business and takes care of me as his Queen.
He is Victor and he has his answers; he handles things effectively and decisively.
He is the strong, successful, adoring, loving, trustworthy, loyal, faithful and confident passionate man who will raise me to the highest pedestal in his life.
He needs no favors from me, not now and not ever.
He's in control of his life as am I in control of mine.
I need not provide for him...I provide for me, and he provides for us.
I no longer need to clothe myself with the rags and shabby quilt of a fake love built on insecurity and low self-esteem. I've cleared the mud from my eyes and see crystal clear.
Ultimately, there is no value in being the 'savior' of someone who has revealed a vulnerability when in fact they are fully capable of empowering themselves and taking control of their lives. No one needs to handicap a completely healthy and capable person. This type of co-dependence breeds greater dependency, neediness, feeds the insecurity and validates the self in an unhealthy fashion based entirely on how much you can serve the other whilst placing yourself second in your life.
I look forward and am really excited to welcome the ready-made, complete man that will enter my life soon and become my soul mate. He has his answers, he knows what to do and he's strong. Just like me.
Sometimes some people get into certain relationships that are fundamentally unhealthy, unstable and insecure. They try and stick it out, sometimes lasting through children and marriage, or not, despite the gnawing sensation in their soul that it really shouldn't be this way; that the relationship really didn't go down the happy way - that deep down, something is "off". We choose to ignore that voice, however, because of a diehard attitude to keep going, to work hard, to make it work and persevere.
Where we get this mindset? Well, it usually comes from early life experiences and parental dynamics. Whole other topic.
Back to the relationship itself:
An insecure person with low-self esteem can end up matching themselves with someone who is equally unstable and insecure (albeit in a different manifestation) which makes them feel comfortable, safe, and less inadequate because they have a familiar reflection of themselves in the other.
In what way?
Well, choosing someone else who is actually deep-down insecure in some respect, unstable and needing help allows the partner who is the helper (usually low self-esteem person) to step in and be 'useful', helpful and needed in someone's life.
They think subconsciously, "He needs me and thus I feel useful..."
It starts with an inner feeling of not being enough, needing to please others and even that enigmatic low self esteem.
This can lead the person to link with another who needs to be helped somehow. Perhaps they don't have body image issues but they do have financial constraints, family problems or work difficulties.
As they connect they each fulfill each others needs: One person is needing some type of support and the other is wanting to provide it. They are both insecure in some respect. In providing a support that only they can offer, they immediately feel there is a unique bonding and connection. Usually the other party will place themselves first and you come second, as you have already an unspoken agreement that they need more 'help' and that you are the provider/helper in the relationship.
It's complicated to explain but the most valuable thing is that I "get it." I finally got it. Finally.
Once upon a time, we were together to cover up each other's inadequacies, insecurities and dependencies.
I was with someone whom I chose out of feeling inferior, low in self-love, not loving or appreciating my body...Feeling like I had to please to be loved, that I had to prove myself and be useful in order to be loved by a handsome man.
If we are with someone who is not fully living their greatest self and banging abound in instability and uncertainty it makes us (the also insecure, low self esteem person who needs to gratify) feel 'safer' from criticism because someone who is 'less' than us cannot eventually judge or criticize us. After all, they are a relfection of what we feel inside about ourselves. A facade of strength and beauty with a weak core of uncertainty, confusion and chaos.
Instead of treating myself like a QUEEN, I was treating myself like the help - a Servant to my King.
What a bizarre self-initiated, self-imposed, self-inflicted dynamic.
No! - Today I reclaim my power and I declare that I AM IN CHARGE of my LOVE.
Today
I AM the Queen,
I AM the Princess
I AM the Goddess
I AM the DIVINE WOMAN of his dreams.
I AM Special and I AM Precious
I AM to be loved and supported by my man, not the other way around.
Today the question is:
Who am I with? Who am I ready to allow and embrace into my life?
A man who is lagging and weak here or there in some respects?
No, I have my answer already:
He is the man who is fully present, complete and totally with it. He is with me and for me, by my side no matter what. He doesn't need to ask me for any favors - he takes care of his own self, business and takes care of me as his Queen.
He is Victor and he has his answers; he handles things effectively and decisively.
He is the strong, successful, adoring, loving, trustworthy, loyal, faithful and confident passionate man who will raise me to the highest pedestal in his life.
He needs no favors from me, not now and not ever.
He's in control of his life as am I in control of mine.
I need not provide for him...I provide for me, and he provides for us.
I no longer need to clothe myself with the rags and shabby quilt of a fake love built on insecurity and low self-esteem. I've cleared the mud from my eyes and see crystal clear.
Ultimately, there is no value in being the 'savior' of someone who has revealed a vulnerability when in fact they are fully capable of empowering themselves and taking control of their lives. No one needs to handicap a completely healthy and capable person. This type of co-dependence breeds greater dependency, neediness, feeds the insecurity and validates the self in an unhealthy fashion based entirely on how much you can serve the other whilst placing yourself second in your life.
I look forward and am really excited to welcome the ready-made, complete man that will enter my life soon and become my soul mate. He has his answers, he knows what to do and he's strong. Just like me.
