Showing posts with label uncertainty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label uncertainty. Show all posts

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Dream Analysis: Purple Mustang Charger comes crashing down

It's finally Thursday and I am really looking forward to a nice two days of personal, flexible, enjoyable time.

Last night I had a really curious and odd dream.
I was in a car with two other people, unsure of their identity. We were on the ground level and looking up at a hill with jagged cliffs and ledges. There was a purple Mustang Charger making its way up the jagged ledges (impossible in real life however it's a dream). It was charging up the jagged mountain however pulling behind it with a metal chain a Black Grand Piano. It is was slinking its way up the mountain, miraculously.
In my head, seated in the car as a spectator I thought, "We should probably move out of here in case it comes crashing down," and "it's probably going to start crashing down soon...Why are we will here so calmly?"

Eventually, when the car had seemed to almost reach the peek the piano sort of started to get all crazy and started to bounce around like a wild animal. Bizarre. Of course the weight and force of the piano pulled the car back and the car ledge by ledge started to crash from side to side, coming down and down. I could feel the impending brute force coming on us to crush us however I still was curious, thinking - "Perhaps it won't hit us...perhaps we'll be fine even if it does crash on us."

Then the inevitable happened - the car reached us. It had gained momentum and with such force finally crashed and crushed us. At this point my dream vision went black, there was a brief moment of darkness where I thought, "Is this all?"

I then woke up and turned to the other side of the bed...went back to sleep as best I could.

~~
I just checked on the meaning of different symbols and this is what I found for the main 3 symbols:

Purple:

* Purple is indicative of devotion, healing abilities, loving, kindness, and compassion. It is also the color of royalty, high rank, justice, wealth and dignity.
* Indigo is the colour of heightened spirituality and Divine guidance and protection.
* The color purple is the color of the imagination and spirituality
In-depth: http://www.empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/color-purple.html
* Meaning: Nobility of purpose, spiritual leadership, spiritual teaching, regal, power, authority in spiritual matters

Car:

 "The car is a classic symbol of motivation, and reflects whether or not you are feeling autonomous as you move forward in life. If you are driving and the vehicle is out of control, you may be questioning the choices you are making. If you are riding as a passenger, you may not recognize how you are not taking the reins of responsibility for where you are going. You have given power over to the person driving the vehicle and may be needlessly blaming them for failing. If it is a parent driving you, there may be unconscious attitudes or criticisms you have adopted that are holding you back or diminishing your self-esteem.
Vehicle dreams suggest how you feel about your forward movement. If the car is parked, you may have put your sense of direction on hold while you explore new opportunity. The type of vehicle, it's condition, and whether or not you are driving, in control or being driven, will portray your present sense of autonomy."
Source: http://www.inspired-by-dreams.com/dreamdictionary/?letter=c#colors

The Car in my dream was a beautiful new Mustang Charger in bright, smooth vibrant purple.

Piano:

"To dream of seeing a piano, denotes some joyful occasion" OR "To find your piano broken and out of tune, portends dissatisfaction with your own accomplishments and disappointment in the failure of your friends or children to win honors."
(Source: http://www.edreaminterpretation.com/piano-3/)


~~~
So what does it mean when a Purple/Indigo Mustang Charger is chugging up a jagged mountain pulling a grand black piano by a chain?

And who/where am I? In my dream I felt I was both the observer  yet I was observing myself.
Perhaps it is my alter ego - observing my spirituality and motivated self attempting to balance and pull behind it/with it some harmony, balance and beauty? However it was an unweildy process.

The chain seemed too precarious and weak; the mountain too jagged, steep and inconvenient; the piano too weighty, dense and burdensome for the struggling car.
It is similar to when you try to get a car deeply stuck in the sand. The wheels keep spinning but it's to no avail.

I was struck by the fact that I was simply sitting there observing the development of the scene while perceiving the imminent danger of the car crashing onto us. Thing is, I've had these types of dreams before and whereas in the past I would experience agony and wake up in fright, this time I took it all very calmly and rationally. Perhaps it's a sign I am learning to take things easy.

Anyhow, it is probably linked to my recent uncertainty about changing some things in my life. This murkiness and uncertainty doesn't feel good - it feels uncomfortable. I like the familiar but at the same time the same things get repetitive and boring. I like changing things and variety, always eager to keep myself stimulated in some way.

I acknowledge that my inner vibration is not keeping pace with the apparent changes that the universe is presenting me. There's no need to be afraid, right?
It all boils down to our attitude and mindset, and how you choose to approach any given issue.

I may be hesitant to take on new challenges and do more activities however it may be better than I imagine once I get started. Perhaps I will really enjoy; I might discover and express different facets of myself that have been laying dormant. I might meet some new individuals who will be beneficial to my further insights, and I can also contribute to their well-being and journey.

My internal vibration just needs to get up to speed with those changes because my rational mind understands that they are GOOD for me...for my mind, my development, my greater good, my better self, to be MORE OF MY GREAT SELF, to be the deeper, truer, more amazing me that I am.

That being said...
I already feel fine and content with myself and my life and thus I do not feel driven to act from a sense of lack, low self-esteem or self-insufficiency.
It would seem like I am thinking of taking on the world but not so...I am simply contemplating:

- Volunteering weekly on Fridays for 2.5 hours.
- Possibly taking a training that will take up the whole weekend and part of Thursday afternoon
- Volunteering
- Taking an online Masters in Education, Teacher course
- Taking a part-time Masters in Ed course in Dubai...it would take 2+ yrs but it can be done.
- Going on Himalayan yoga spiritual retreat in April


For some reason, though, it all just doesn't feel right. The effort, struggle, attempts...ugh. I repels me. I want to take it easy, I want to enjoy, I want to be FREE. I want to enjoy my free time easily and conveniently. I don't want such heavy commitments.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Getting too complacent? Hesitant about a new challenge.

There is and will always be something lacking, something missing - that which is not had, not yet.

Anyways, what to do? Just focus on what is here now and that is all that matters. 


Recently I've been thinking and wondering if at this stage in my life I've become too complacent, too lazy, too comfortable in my comfort zone.

I love my life, I'm happy with the way I live today. I have a good job, nice friends, a loving family although they are too far away for us to really share and express our love; I have a nice apartment, I have privacy, space, freedom and security; I pamper myself; I exercise as much as I want.

However an unease has crept into my psyche, which the notion that I already attended an Ivy-league undergrad university no longer seems to placate.

A conversation last week with my pseudo-mentor (my boss, unofficially - he isn't aware he's my mentor) got me thinking a lot about what I'm doing with my life, where I want to steer my future and what I want to do after being an Executive Assistant. It's tough for me to answer in details, "What do you want?"

I want to be happy. I want to be healthy, I want to enjoy every day of my life. I want to love and be loved, I want to be protected; I want to thrive and have fun. I want to lead a pleasant, low-stress life; I also want to fulfill my highest potential, I want to feel satisfied and fulfilled with myself, my activities, the work I am doing. I want to live the now  and it's impossible do so when you start thinking about the future!!

Up til last week, 1 week ago exactly, everything was honky-dory. Since then, though, the age-old arduous, didactic and somewhat painful process of 'self-examination' and thinking about my future - next steps - has been pressing my brain.

Suddenly I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I have to reflect and decide on what my next stage in life will be. It's not easy or simple for me because when it comes to these heavy, important-seeming, self-centered topics I treat it with such importance and like a life-death judgment...I always want important life choices to be perfect - don't we all?

Perhaps time is not wasting away second by second, despite feeling this way. Now is as good a time as ever to take a new step, move ahead and move on with my life.

So what do I do after being an Assistant?

I want many things: I want to be a public speaker, I want to be a teacher, I want to present, I want to help and work with others in a coach/mentor capacity; I want to learn more and be around intellectual people; I want to enhance my vocabulary and I want to once again feel that proper grammar and intelligent discourse is valued and expected, and not fluid or variable.

I want my brain to remain nimble, alert.

I want to make my life and myself significant.
Don't we all?

Today at 27 years old I still have time. However, I'll be honest - I love the comfort of the things I currently enjoy in my life. I love getting regular massages at decent rates, manicure/pedicure at the salon on normal basis, going to the beach on mostly any weekend if I wish; tanning. I love my apartment, cooking my dinner, having the peace, ease and privacy of a professional/adult' lifestyle... I also love sleeping well and peacefully, 7-8hr. If I consider my College experience, it was all rather extreme, stressful, hellish, lonely, and painstaking. However, it was undeniably a necessary experience, and one which I am glad happened back then when it did.

I'm mentioning these things as they contrast with the other, new, intimidating idea I am holding: Going back to graduate school in the US for a degree in International Relations/Policy, International Development/Foreign Service. Typical me, I go big when it comes to education and career...I just don't seem to find a suitable educational option here in the UAE. Once you've attended a very prestigious university you want the same caliber again. No pride or arrogance, just keepin' it real... It's about the quality and substance.

It would be financially significant to go back to school and relinquish a regular paycheck. Then there is the change in weather - in the US Northeast there are 2 meager warm months with remaining year of gloom and cold. I'm just being real, and these are but a few of the several life changes it would represent.

Many times coaches and helpful people will posit: Instead of thinking about what you're losing, think about what you are gaining with this new change.

What would I be gaining?
Continuing my education, deepening professional and academic self-development; working towards a higher level of profession and career; being exposed to new ideas, new people, new places, new challenges.
Perhaps even, an evolved different me?

But to be frank...I'm don't necessarily feel excited about meeting new people although I'm sure we would enjoy meeting each other. New ideas appeal more to me because my brain gets excited with critical thinking stimulus. These are all just words. There are just too many things.

Spiritually - It's said that happiness and peace lie within you, and you bring it to any moment wherever you may be, whatever you might be doing.
So do I need to uproot myself once more for a complete life shift if I can theoretically have that peace already, now? I do feel that satisfaction and peace, yet, I am so young - it feels like it's come relatively soon (thankfully) but then what more can I do with my years on earth?

See, the thing is I don't think about starting a family at all. I do desire to meet my perfect partner and get married, and from there we would share our lives without necessarily having kids. Just the two of us, enjoying life and being the best versions of ourselves in this life.

Since I have not met anyone special in these past 3.5+ years in Dubai, I don't feel like there is anyone I can really call my family here, and that actually makes me feel sad because I realize I don't have a super strong reason to stay here. I have wonderful, kind friends, for sure, however we all know what we mean when we say family - those who live with you each and every day, morning to night, and for women it is the husband. For now my family and roots are in NY, and that's how it will remain until the day I get married, who knows when. Perhaps the reason I have not met anyone special in this place which I love is because I am meant to move on with myself and continue attaining other things, in another place. Well, that also makes me sad and melancholy because it makes me consider leaving this city which I enjoy, and also because it implies that I have more time to wait before I connect with a loving, romantic life partner. I guess I will keep waiting.

Well, enough sad thoughts :)
The new ideas still remain...I am feeling a bit confused about what my next step will be however I am sure I will eventually find some clarity. That's what always happens.
The good thing is I've already experienced such murky, uncertain life-direction experiences, and today I am older and wise, more experienced, and that time of life lived is very helpful.


If I am truly honest with myself, partly I know what I should do, what is right for me. It means giving up all these things I have right now and starting something new, a different place. Like a horse with blinders, I can only see one door into the next room. And I know there are other doors but for some reason I like this door, I am attracted to it - and it is the slightly more complicated one but it's the one that calls out my name.
.......:::::: Jenniferrrrrr :::::.....
Something to consider: Horse Blinders - Without them a horse could run amok.

No matter what, I hope that I have sufficient wisdom and experience to face this new chapter in life with courage, joy, gratitude and a fun attitude. Dear God, one request - Can I at least have fun while I do it all?? :) That would be great.

Let's see what tomorrow brings - hopefully more flashes of insight and greater clarity. I trust myself and I trust that I have great things to express. Things are always working out for me. Bisous xx