"Homesick" - Poem by J.Arcila

Homesick

It seems we each made a deal
Sometime before birth, we agreed this is how it will be
This is how I'd like my life to go.

My life,
I'd like to share my time with these folks,
laugh at these times and cry at these others
It should all work in some balance,
Contrary Forces inevitably coexisting.

I chose to live this way.

Sometimes I miss that thing which I cannot name
The other half.
After some time, I am humbled by life experience
such that I no longer crave this mythical thing
that which I never had, the story the movies told.

I've been humbled.

Rather I am longing for a familiar time
A time with loved ones
I know it all too well, thankfully
A moment amongst many moments we have lived and shared.
Joyful, fun, whimsical and sincere instances of being family.

I miss my family
and they miss me too.
How is it we are oceans apart...
And yet so much love?
Ah yes - Contrary forces inevitably coexisting.
The path of life, the journey of the soul

Oh, the contrast really strikes my core,
Like a folk music player stringing familiar cords on his faithful wooden guitar.

The contrast sears my heart and bids me to conjure emotions of wanting and also,

Gratitude

For in the end we have this life to live
A family to love, somewhere
We made our choices well in advance.

Hey Life! I'm happy :-)

Prayer to the universe / Wishes for January and 2014:

Wed. Jan. 22, 2014

- I want to more clearly and easily identify the wants, desires and elements that will contribute my overall long-lasting joy, peace and fulfillment.
- I want to have a profession towards which I can contribute and develop, for which I feel great love, passion and joy...
- I want to attract like-minded people into my life
- I want to spend all my time with like-minded, joyful, fun, kind people who appreciate and love me, and with whom I can be my very best, genuine self, and people who I appreciate sincerely as well.
- I want to continuously improve and strengthen my relationship with myself, my Inner Being, and to have an absolutely unshakeable, deep and love-filled relationship with myself.
- I want to have a constant flow of good-feeling thoughts, at all times.
- I want to feel good
- I want to appreciate myself and my life for all the beauty and greatness that it holds.
- I want to let go of limiting beliefs and old attitudes that are inconsistent with being free, easy-going, and joyful
- I want to live in the moment and love doing so!
- I want to let go of unhelpful attachments and feelings of ownevership towards any other person.
- I want to let go completely and fully of all feelings of jealousy, insecurity and doubt.
- I want to KNOW with all my heart and soul when I meet my wonderful, cool, fun and lovingly affectionate life partner - i want the bells and whistles, butterflies in my stomach and joyful passion/attraction when I see him - yes! :-D
Bells and whistles all the way hehe
- Let go
- To be such that my feelings are unbreakable and my feelings do not depend on others - not on how someone else treats me, not on elements that I cannot control or influence.

Vitality, Evolution & Gratitude - Key words to lead a happy life!

Today is far better day because I feel tons better as compared to yesterday. I am back to my normal well self. THANK GOD!!! :-)

I have my car back; all is well :)
Went yesterday evening to collect it and was fortunate enough to arrange a taxi service that works in this area and at a reasonable rate. During the drive there were serveral things that struck me:

- I was really appreciative of the "passenger" experience; once you drive yourself around for 97% of the time you don't get the chance to relax and take in the scenery. It reminded me of when I go on vacation, hire a taxi to take me around and explore the sights from the back seat. It's really wonderful, enjoyable and easy...Being a passenger entails an entirely different experience in getting from point A to point B.

- The driver asked me if I also required morning transport from home to work. Well, this struck me because it helped me realize that no matter what change in our situations, changes will open up new opportunities and ways to go about things. For instance, if I did not have personal vehicle and required daily transport to-from home-work, at first glance I would despair a bit, however, there are alternative services and means that will emerge once you find yourself in that situation.

There is always a way.

Find a Way

Don't give up

Being in a new location will open up new opportunities, new avenues, new modalities and novel experiences. I had almost forgotten this key reality of life.

It's like some spiritual teachers will says: "Once the problem emerges, the solution also automatically comes into creation". A problem is only defined as such because it precedes the solution. To label something a problem means there is a solution in the ether of the universe; it is already being manufactured.

Feeling Emotional

Hey there, good morning beautiful world!
Today is a unique day already, my gosh...Well, not the usually smooth experience getting to work.

Why?
I took my car for service yesterday and thus I don't have my car this morning for my usual commute to work. This has happened before for prior services and so I had envisioned that I would take a taxi as usual and reach work normally.
However, it was not the case!
The first taxi I hailed refused to bring me to Jebel Ali as they are currently in great construction. I was very distraught, upset and disappointed. I wanted to cry...I've been refused by Taxi drivers before due to either too short distance, or too much traffic, whatever stupid f'ing excuse - it never feels good and doesn't seem to get easier for me to stomach, although I did not actually release any tears - at least, lol.

The 2nd cab also expressed hesitation and doubt however less adamantly so; he mentioned "there is a lot of traffic, blah blah blah you can take metro, better" - I did not say anything and let him drive. There were no words for me to reply as
(1) I was already feeling emotional, jittery and didn't want to actually break down in tears OR snap with a mad woman's rage which has easily happened on necessary occasions. I am all about healthfully standing up for yourself and defending your right but in this case I wanted to reach the office in a graceful, peaceful state of mind and being - not a hot mess; AND
(2) I felt no desire whatsoever to have to convince anyone of anything or debate on the best mode of transport; I need you to take me to X destination, this is your job, you are getting paid for it, period. Yalla.

Anyhow, the experience was quite different than what I am used to and it left me feeling a bit off kilter. I feel jittery, emotional, like I want to bawl! That's so funny, though, bc there's no need for it. In fact, perhaps I am just being *hormonal*...there are such days and it is not necessarily because of the monthly cycle.



Sometimes, every couple of months I have a day of this like deep sadness or weird anger...when I just want to bawl, cry out loud and etc. Well, that's not really what i want to indulge or enhance. What I really want is feel good, relaxed, at peace, calm...happy and easy-going. Perhaps I am in need of a nap...and my cortisol is particularly elevated.

I feel my nerves on edge...Not sure why.

Since this weekend, Friday and Saturday, I woke up feeling fine yet within next 15-30mins of getting up and preparing my coffee, food, morning ritual...I felt sort of BLAH. However, on Friday it was dissipated since we had a lovely picnic in the park with friends and that was most joyful.
Yesterday Saturday I also felt a tired all over my body - I felt sort of lost, and confused...partly bc I had to take my car early morn to service and I just had this overall kind of lack of directionality or deep in-ness with the moment. I dropped the car for svc and came back home to take the towels out to dry. Fortunately, the day was quite active and it was so wonderful to be spending it with friends at a house BBQ and also on a date which was very nice.

These days I find I'm improving in my ability to cope with times when my mood seems to be off...I just tell myself, "Hang on, it'll be over soon." And I start counting to distract myself_1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8...
It works.

The truth is today I feel emotional, sensitive and edgy. I hope it will pass soon. I want to sleep deeply, peacefully and soundly tonight. I want to live today calmly and successfully.
I want to be joyous with the things that ARE.
I am constantly reminding myself of my multiple, countless, incredible blessings. Simple things like having plenty of drinkable water at my disposal, being able to exercise, having a healthy, strong and vibrant body; eating nutritiously; having a lovely apartment to call my own where I can enjoy my time.

However, I will accept and acknowledge that today (as always) I am where I am...And where am I? Feeling sensitive, feeling emotional, feeling like crying so, so very much. It's crazy.
I know it will pass eventually. It is the contrast of feeling good vs. feeling blah that reminds me how terrific it is to feel good.

I am where I am. Hang on it'll be over soon...

The Ups & Downs of Hormones. Image by: Kareem Iliya. Source: http://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/dealing-with-hormones-00000000029960/

ps. I am always thankful for my car...I miss you, Ford Fiesta. See you l8r :-)

New Start 2014 - Sickness & Rebirth

Today is a brand new day…Wherever you are in the world, it was a new day or soon it is becoming a new day. A new birth, a fresh start, a reset to living this day in life.

Below are thoughts from a chat regarding the fact that I am home sick today recovering fully from a cold/flu. Winter season in Dubai also impacts the city's citizens, despite the overall pleasant and wonderful weather in the "Winter" months.

 Seasonal changes are felt by our bodies, apparently, no matter where we may be. 

Today is Thursday Jan. 9th 2014 - the first full week of the new year and I am home on sick leave as I visited the ER Last night. Visited City Hospital in Healthcare city and finished up at 1AM. Main issue was the worsening dry cough which I could no longer tolerate, esp since I live alone and having no one around for moral support seems to aggravate symptoms.

Being in the ER I became more aware and realized that there are so many maladies in life that affect us all. Some people have far worse situations than you or me. I am so grateful for the slight unwellness I have since it is curable and ordinary in the bigger scheme of things.

There are more things to appreciate from this experience:

Dear God, Dear Universe,

- Thank you because I live in a city with easy access to clean, hygienic and professional healthcare

- Thank you for my Health Insurance which is provided by my company and which allows me to pay a really minimal fee for several expensive treatments (Xray, MRI, blood tests, MD consultation, ER Visit, etc)

- Thank you for my car which reliably and comfortably allowed me to drive a long distance to see a medical professional to treat a bodily ailment at the moment I desired to do so.

- Thank you for the medicine that is easily available in the pharmacy which helps in the recovery process

- Thank you for the medicine which really makes a huge difference and helps to recover and sleep deeply

- Thank you because this experience of being alone in sickness shows me my true inner strength; I care about myself, I care about how I feel, I want to feel good, and I know the universe is helping me in meeting with the medical professionals who care about helping me get better. 

- Thank you for this day of rest and the fact that I am able to rest when it is necessary and helpful

- Thank you for the kind and thoughtful friends who express concern for my wellbeing.

- Thank you bc I have many modalities at my disposal to feel better, strengthen my immune system and become stronger.

Further thoughts stemming from the whole thing:

I am feeling better I think bc I have peace of mind from having seen the doctor. Once I got home I no longer had the pesky, nagging dry cough and rather felt more relaxed. The doc prescribed the same antibiotic (Amoxycillin) that I had already started taking the night prior - so my self-prescription was accurate and luckily I have a box of unfinished Amoxyl from some previous moment.

When we r alone w/o anyone at home i.e. family, it sometimes makes health conditions a bit aggravated, perhaps bc of psychological aspect of being sick and vulnerable, and thus you may exhibit symptoms bit more strongly. The reason I say it is bc the whole day I was at work I didn't cough or feel major discomfort. HOwever, as soon as I set foot in my apt and was having my dinner I started coughing up - grrrrrr. That's why I went to the hospital - I wanted help and immediate relief from people instead of the small bottles of cough suppressants and expectorants which seemed to have diminished in effectiveness.

Anyhow, I went to ER (first in Ibn Battuta and then Healthcare City) and he said it seems like the cold/flu that is affecting many people right now

Perhaps people in UAE climate, we are no longer used to being strongly immune to weather changes. So any slight coldness is more of a 'hit' to the system.

Plus, I think I was training too much, 2hr+ per day during vacation and then continued when work resumed, waking up at 5:30am to train thinking that by ignoring my symptoms I would push it away into oblivion. 

This strategy of ignoring does not seem to have worked. 

So now I have forced rest, which is fine too and probably necessary.

I've noticed that during periods when I have been intense with my training it eventually culminates in a brief span where I get some cold which obliges me to rest and recover for 2-3 days, perhaps 1 week. It tends to help I suppose to reset the body, muscles, and to come back stronger than ever.

Ironically, sometimes it's harder to be calm and still, as opposed to just going at it (training, etc) intensely, pushing hard and beating yourself up. That's what gym/fitness obsession can do to you!

Well, today is a whole day of wellness and I will visit the sauna and my friends at the gym in hopes of further boosting my immune and nervous system. Sauna is considered to have curative properties, and perhaps I will RDV with like-minded friends at the gym, which is always pleasant, enjoyable and welcome to me.

There is always something positive to be gleaned from any situation, regardless of the circumstances. I am still eternally thankful for the blessings that life shares with me. I hope to continue growing, expanding and enriching this positive mindset and to eternally develop my strength and to deepen the relationship with my Inner Being.  

Be your own best friend, and the rest will follow, line up, and align.

Love,

Jen <3 <3 <3