Hello World,
It's me again... and journaling my thoughts.
The First Meal:
Today at breakfast/lunch (3:45pm) I had bigger amount of melon than what I usually have. Usually I've eat about 300-500g of melon, and that, along perhaps with something else, keeps me fine till I reach home and have dinner at 7pm or ideally I'd have dinner earlier at 6:30pm.
However, today I pushed myself (for some reason) to finish the melon that I brought from home bc it was already about 5 days since I'd bought it and cut into it, and the longer it sits in the fridge the more mold and decomposed it gets. Hence, I decided "Just do it" and actually it was a very good, delicious, hydrating melon.
Only melon.
However when I finished what I'd brought, approximately 700grams eaten, I felt bad bc the calories then ingested were more than usual AND I then had the anxious thought:
"I overate and now my lower abs will push out and I'll be a bit more bloated." Ugh. The despised bloat lol.
However, that was my own exaggeration and assumption and 'jumping ahead to worst case scenario".
I promptly went about my moment, the afternoon, and rinsed my teeth, and then a postprandial walk. It was a good and energized walk for sure although I felt tired nevertheless.
So thus far today I've eaten or taken in: CJ (60 cals) + decaf coffee w.Oat milk (20 cals) + Melon, 250cals maybe. So total about 350 cals according to MFP. I've been tracking and logging my food for as long as MyFitnessPal has existed, since my college days and I actually started tracking calories and educating myself about the caloric/energy content of different foods when I was 16 yr old. I still remember my first traditional food scale (before the advent of the handy digital kitchen machines) and I weighed 1 portion of mozzarella cheese which was, according to the package, 1 sq inch. Turns out that after weighing and measuring it w/a ruler it was a tiny portion compared to what I normally ate and actually enjoyed.
And so it happened that I began tracking calories, weighing out the different foods and learning about their caloric values, and keeping a notepad with the daily food record, just for myself.
Fast-forward to now, 19 years later and I still track what I eat every day although not perfectly and completely bc I sometimes omit some things, or I record an amount/quantity that was actually higher that what I log just because I don't want to feel anxious about the higher calories overall that I would have eaten in the day due to the higher amount of foods. Essentially it is just a superficial effort to fool and quell the anxious thoughts that eventually emerge:
"Oh gosh, I've overeaten today... :-(" or,
"I might begin to gain weight if I keep this up" or,
"Damnit, what can't I keep this caloric intake under control to 1200kcal max?" Etc.
Freedom from anxiety about my imperfect soft body.
