There is and will always be something lacking, something missing - that which is not had, not yet.
Anyways, what to do? Just focus on what is here now and that is all that matters.
Recently I've been thinking and wondering if at this stage in my life I've become too complacent, too lazy, too comfortable in my comfort zone.
I love my life, I'm happy with the way I live today. I have a good job, nice friends, a loving family although they are too far away for us to really share and express our love; I have a nice apartment, I have privacy, space, freedom and security; I pamper myself; I exercise as much as I want.
However an unease has crept into my psyche, which the notion that I already attended an Ivy-league undergrad university no longer seems to placate.
A conversation last week with my pseudo-mentor (my boss, unofficially - he isn't aware he's my mentor) got me thinking a lot about what I'm doing with my life, where I want to steer my future and what I want to do after being an Executive Assistant. It's tough for me to answer in details, "What do you want?"
I want to be happy. I want to be healthy, I want to enjoy every day of my life. I want to love and be loved, I want to be protected; I want to thrive and have fun. I want to lead a pleasant, low-stress life; I also want to fulfill my highest potential, I want to feel satisfied and fulfilled with myself, my activities, the work I am doing. I want to live the now and it's impossible do so when you start thinking about the future!!
Up til last week, 1 week ago exactly, everything was honky-dory. Since then, though, the age-old arduous, didactic and somewhat painful process of 'self-examination' and thinking about my future - next steps - has been pressing my brain.
Suddenly I feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I have to reflect and decide on what my next stage in life will be. It's not easy or simple for me because when it comes to these heavy, important-seeming, self-centered topics I treat it with such importance and like a life-death judgment...I always want important life choices to be perfect - don't we all?
Perhaps time is not wasting away second by second, despite feeling this way. Now is as good a time as ever to take a new step, move ahead and move on with my life.
So what do I do after being an Assistant?
I want many things: I want to be a public speaker, I want to be a teacher, I want to present, I want to help and work with others in a coach/mentor capacity; I want to learn more and be around intellectual people; I want to enhance my vocabulary and I want to once again feel that proper grammar and intelligent discourse is valued and expected, and not fluid or variable.
I want my brain to remain nimble, alert.
I want to make my life and myself significant.
Don't we all?
Today at 27 years old I still have time. However, I'll be honest - I love the comfort of the things I currently enjoy in my life. I love getting regular massages at decent rates, manicure/pedicure at the salon on normal basis, going to the beach on mostly any weekend if I wish; tanning. I love my apartment, cooking my dinner, having the peace, ease and privacy of a professional/adult' lifestyle... I also love sleeping well and peacefully, 7-8hr. If I consider my College experience, it was all rather extreme, stressful, hellish, lonely, and painstaking. However, it was undeniably a necessary experience, and one which I am glad happened back then when it did.
I'm mentioning these things as they contrast with the other, new, intimidating idea I am holding: Going back to graduate school in the US for a degree in International Relations/Policy, International Development/Foreign Service. Typical me, I go big when it comes to education and career...I just don't seem to find a suitable educational option here in the UAE. Once you've attended a very prestigious university you want the same caliber again. No pride or arrogance, just keepin' it real... It's about the quality and substance.
It would be financially significant to go back to school and relinquish a regular paycheck. Then there is the change in weather - in the US Northeast there are 2 meager warm months with remaining year of gloom and cold. I'm just being real, and these are but a few of the several life changes it would represent.
Many times coaches and helpful people will posit: Instead of thinking about what you're losing, think about what you are gaining with this new change.
What would I be gaining?
Continuing my education, deepening professional and academic self-development; working towards a higher level of profession and career; being exposed to new ideas, new people, new places, new challenges.
Perhaps even, an evolved different me?
But to be frank...I'm don't necessarily feel excited about meeting new people although I'm sure we would enjoy meeting each other. New ideas appeal more to me because my brain gets excited with critical thinking stimulus. These are all just words. There are just too many things.
Spiritually - It's said that happiness and peace lie within you, and you bring it to any moment wherever you may be, whatever you might be doing.
So do I need to uproot myself once more for a complete life shift if I can theoretically have that peace already, now? I do feel that satisfaction and peace, yet, I am so young - it feels like it's come relatively soon (thankfully) but then what more can I do with my years on earth?
See, the thing is I don't think about starting a family at all. I do desire to meet my perfect partner and get married, and from there we would share our lives without necessarily having kids. Just the two of us, enjoying life and being the best versions of ourselves in this life.
Since I have not met anyone special in these past 3.5+ years in Dubai, I don't feel like there is anyone I can really call my family here, and that actually makes me feel sad because I realize I don't have a super strong reason to stay here. I have wonderful, kind friends, for sure, however we all know what we mean when we say family - those who live with you each and every day, morning to night, and for women it is the husband. For now my family and roots are in NY, and that's how it will remain until the day I get married, who knows when. Perhaps the reason I have not met anyone special in this place which I love is because I am meant to move on with myself and continue attaining other things, in another place. Well, that also makes me sad and melancholy because it makes me consider leaving this city which I enjoy, and also because it implies that I have more time to wait before I connect with a loving, romantic life partner. I guess I will keep waiting.
Well, enough sad thoughts :)
The new ideas still remain...I am feeling a bit confused about what my next step will be however I am sure I will eventually find some clarity. That's what always happens.
The good thing is I've already experienced such murky, uncertain life-direction experiences, and today I am older and wise, more experienced, and that time of life lived is very helpful.
If I am truly honest with myself, partly I know what I should do, what is right for me. It means giving up all these things I have right now and starting something new, a different place. Like a horse with blinders, I can only see one door into the next room. And I know there are other doors but for some reason I like this door, I am attracted to it - and it is the slightly more complicated one but it's the one that calls out my name.
.......:::::: Jenniferrrrrr :::::.....
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| Something to consider: Horse Blinders - Without them a horse could run amok. |
No matter what, I hope that I have sufficient wisdom and experience to face this new chapter in life with courage, joy, gratitude and a fun attitude. Dear God, one request - Can I at least have fun while I do it all?? :) That would be great.
Let's see what tomorrow brings - hopefully more flashes of insight and greater clarity. I trust myself and I trust that I have great things to express. Things are always working out for me. Bisous xx
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