Relationships - The end-all, be-all?

Deep down, do I really want a relationship?

Why do we seek relationships beyond basic family and friendship?

The topic of amorous/romantic Relationship seems to be a central pivotal topic for almost 95% of humanity. Perhaps it is indeed the biological urge to procreate; the innate drive to connect and socialize; a fixed remaining trait from the biblical story of Adam & Eve, the pairing concept - that is, if you believe in that particular faith. No matter what the religion, relationship and coupling is a consistent theme and seems to be what makes the world go round.

Of course this applies to me - I think about a relationship for me every day in one way or another. Whether it be by acknowledging I'm attracted to someone; or by feeling satisfied and happy with life and thus sensing that maybe I don't need a relationship to feel "whole"; or by hearing the stories and conversing with friends who themselves are facing similar lack of intimacy or having someone special.

In any case, I've had a rocky road on my journey to emotional self-discovery in terms of relationships. Since High School I desperately felt a calling in my soul to have someone special, a Boyfriend, yet it did not happen them. Through college I met a few guys, went on a few dates but nothing lasting or heart-moving. Then post-college I had a few boyfriends as well, more significant and especially 2-3 guys who remain the two most vivid examples of how I am in a real relationship.

Ironically, the 2 more significant relationships were experienced with two men who were dramatically opposite from each other in terms of how we had a relationship. With one guy it was perfect, enjoyable, loving and sweet; with the other, it was passionate, extreme, difficult, uncertain, confusing, and familiar. With the former, it ended because I was obliged to leave the country where he lived and ultimately the long-distance setup was not what I wanted.

For the latter, it ended because of very different socio-economic and cultural backgrounds. When we first met and throughout our time together we had incredible passion and attraction. In my eyes he was the most handsome man in the universe - I felt butterflies in my tummy whenever I saw him. It was really something unique for my heart. However, there were oceans between us in terms of communication, life conditions and where we were in our respective lives. It's like we were on different planets with much too different backgrounds, families and ingrained mindsets...trying to connect and make it work to no avail. It lasted 1.5 year, we lived together which was a first for me, and it was a special experience indeed.

Eventually we separated without any official break-up. He lost his job, took his things, left Dubai and later came back to the UAE. After several months of no communication I was no longer open to allowing him back into my life because the pain of his first departure was too great, and I already felt that with the strong habits of the past, it could happen again. My heart is great however it is too soft in love, and another pain like that would be disastrous and take up precious energy and time of my well-being which I value and enjoy much more.

All of this to say that it has been 5 months since I last saw him or communicated with him. Five months doesn't seem like a terribly long time considering the depth of my feelings however it's a very helpful duration that has allowed for distance, growth and my evolution. Now I am at an incredibly advanced place emotionally and I have emerged from that experience stronger, full of courage and full of more self-loved than I have ever known.

I've forgiven us both for all the different ways in which we may have hurt each other. In the end, we only hurt ourselves in these situations. Sometimes we seek drama and enjoy it, like a drug and the addict, and if I am honest with myself a part of me was really drawn to the drama - it made me feel alive.

Happy Moving On!

The momentum of life is to move forward, evolve, progress and adapt to change.

I feel really glad and grateful about moving on with my feelings and letting go of the past. I want to continue loving myself, loving my life and loving the wonderful friends and family in my surroundings. I count my blessings each day, and I cannot count them all because there are so many! That is really a precious gift of life and the Universe.

And so, having gone through this internal self-strengthening journey I realize that I am whole, I feel complete, I have great joy and love in my life. It stems firstly from me - and that in turn attracts it towards me, bees to the honey :) Law of Attraction in action.

There are moments where I think that I am missing out on that special connection, and well, in reality I am still waiting for it. Then again, I realize the most important connection is with myself and being OK with all that is.

Sometimes we put too many expectations on the fictional other which they cannot realistically fulfill, or else they have those qualities but there are other issues or unexpected surprise aspects of sharing with them.

And so, my main philosophy right now is to live in the moment, appreciate this very moment as it is and to make peace with what is. Accepting the boring moments, the routine, the repetition, and temporary lows. It also means more joyously embracing the happy times I have now with friends and loved ones. Sometimes we are waiting and waiting for X to happen to be happy, and then it finally happens and one of two things happens, or both:
1) We experience initial euphoria and elation, satisfaction and joy and then it wears off
2) It is not such a big deal as we expected and you realize it brings up other complications

It means that so often we are delaying our own joy in the wait for a future great thing to happen which is not in our control - there is no way to know if it will happen. You take it on Faith.

And thus, it may or may not happen...
We should appreciate this moment now and make peace with what IS. Enjoy it, embrace it, allow it...Be Ok, be strong, be courageous, be YOU, be with the people you already love and who already love you, and spend all your time doing the things you love or thinking about when and how you do things you love.

That is all I can do. And that is a lot!

It is creating, molding, adoring, respecting, valuing and connecting with my reality and inner truth. 

Allowing, being, doing and loving...It is my intention to take it one day at a time and seek my joy.

I even feel gratitude I can express myself in these words and share my creativity with the world.

xx :)